Courtney Taylor-Taylor – of longtime one-of-my-favourite-bands-ever The Dandy Warhols – has just released a wine, so inevitably I’m biased, and rather excited to see what all the vino fuss is about.

“This wine if you’ll remember is designed to bring the old world red wine experience to spicy foods. Something I’ve been hoping for years that someone else would do.

Fair point. If the hallowed halls of University sought to teach me anything, it was that all the kids who were brought up properly  had flat parties where you have to gargle the scarlet stuff with meat, dark chocolate, or English and Swiss cheeses and NOUT ELSE.

“I spent the last tour across the US trying to figure out what and why red wine tends to make spicy go blistering in RED wine.  I ended up getting a lot of help, advice, and experience and finally came up with a blend of two fairly obscure Sicilian grapes that deliver an earth and mineral old world red with a vaguely bright opening bouquet.  Do I sound like an asshole yet?”

Kinda, but I like your music. Still like it too. It’s been what, nearly 20 years? Anyway mate; shout up, shout up:

“Well I’m pretty serious about wine so believe me, this is beautiful in the order of older Borolo, Rioja and Bordeaux or even a little Barbaresco except bigger.”

So the double-Taylor says he’s pretty serious about wine. Which is fair. Totally understand, like, I am also serious about wine because when I drink it I forget about everything that preceded the wine. S-E-R-I-O-U-S.

“You’ll shit.” He says.  “It’s awesome.”

Kinda don’t want the wine to give me the boozey shits. Y’know? That’s the reserve of quick-sell Wetherspoons barrels when I can’t afford the damn Rioja.

But hey, I’m sold! It’s a rockstar wine, I don’t know if any of The Rolling Stones have wine (because it actually must be the elixir of life); and I do want to try wine with spicy food because it’s true! No-one has ever done that before successfully. Plus, it’s a Sicillian wine… but has a French name! Ubereurohappiness.

But to the earth outside of The Dandys, he’s another sleb with a vineyard connection: The Celebrity Alcohol And Winery Owners (or Clever Business Partners) or W-I-N-O is typically a club for  luminaries such as Angelina Jolie & Brad Pitt (they called it Pink Floyd! Legends!), Olivia Newton John and  Mick Hucknall.  Yeah yeah, I hear his wine is Simply…

…

Here’s a few celebrities and their wineries. Some you’ll have definitely heard of. Others may be slightly surprising, like Mick Hucknall. For example:

• Antonio Banderas owns Anta Banderas wine from the very famous wine region Ribera del Duero  in Spain;
• Drew Barrymore has a collab wine with a distributor called “Barrymore Wines”, from Italy;
• personal hero Francis Ford Coppola owns the Rubicon Estate Winery in California
• …and mother’s hero Sting has a winery in Tuscany.

All in all, bit yawnsome. So in true true Mock The Week style, it’s time for:

CELEBRITY WINE SCENES WE’D LIKE TO SEE

THE KEITH RICHARDS’ BAROLO-ING STONES HEAVY BEVVY

More like a serum than a liquid; tough as a battered suitcase; a savoury and bright full-bodied red that GUARANTEES IMMORTALITY.

AMARONE DIAZ

Cameron’s glamorous, masculine, younger Italian partner.

For drinking.

CAMERON SHIRAZ

When you can’t afford Amarone.

For drinking.

STEPHEN FRY PINOT NOIR

Slant rhyme for the secret poet. And a wine for reading books with.

KEITH LEMON LEMONY WINE

Easy on the palette, although bit rough and hairy for a Viognier.

MATT SAUVIGNON LE BLANC

Popular and faithful, cute gooseberry.

POIROT MERLOT

The plummy dry red for solving crimes with over dinner!

BASSIST’S MID-LIFE CRISIS

 

Grigio for middle-aged cheese.

MICK HUCKNALL’S SIMPLY RED

…Please please please, exist.

 

And there you have it. The boozerati…

Any I’ve missed?