So, I wanted to wait until his 33rd birthday to publish this, but it’s so good that, well, you best just read it now.
The following is not only a paradoxically concise and detailed list, it is a list made of pure fan love for the man we never knowingly want to see without a microphone and a good jacket.
That man is Julian Fernando Casablancas.
The list beginneth.
50 Reasons To Love Julian Casablancas
Oh my! The name alone. Julian. There is a lot of pressure if you are intending on calling your son Julian. He must absolutely live up to the name which springs from the same Latinate roots as that of Roman emperors and patricians and Byzantine councillors of the state. Jooooolian. It has such a relaxing tone to it. Here it is, phonetically transcribed, (thankyou degree!):
Like exhaling. Like purring. Like the tiny, softened crackles of a tulip blooming, unfurling in fast-forward. And this a tulip, blooming in fast forward, phonetically transcribed.
OH WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT for a real actual scientific coincidence…
Casablancas: The sex. The perfect, wide-mouthed, chattering contrast to the cooing of his first name: it has 4-syllables (ooh, fancy!), take away the S and you have an idiosyncratic reference to 1940s film. This is only one Zeno half-mile in his infinity of coolness.
48. HIS INITIALS
And even if he wasn’t going to head up The Strokes and kick start one of the only real revolutionary music moments in the year 2000 (oh per-lease, nu-metal was merely an anger regulator for het-up skater boys waiting for real music to happen) “JC” on its own surely implies ‘Basketball pro”, “F1 King”, “Alt-boy comedian” or, quite simply, JC.
JC was an It-Kid before being an It-Kid meant you were a dick.
47. HIS VOICE
46. THE STROKES
His best friends are The Strokes. ‘Course it’s obvs FFS. But for the sake of this article’s cohesion, we can’t turn it into a 50 Reasons You Love The Strokes piece. You already know all of those 50 reasons, at least 1 of them is “Transporterraum NYC, East Village” four of them are Albert, Nick, Fabrizio, Nik and the rest are track titles.
45. HIS MOMMA IS HAWT.
Jeanette Christiansen, former Miss Denmark. Hark:
Exactly. Why do you think he is so hottOMGZ?
44. SAM WAS A PAINTER
And helped spark his music taste, apparently sending him a best of The Doors cassette through the post when he was away at a special school.
Thankyou, Sam Adoquei (Sam’s essays: http://amzn.to/g4K41V ).
“Sam is the reason I am”, Jules said on his Twitter once.
43. AT THEIR FIRST EVER BRIT AWARDS, HE DIDN’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY
He seemed confused.
N.B. Lauren Laverne with a chip on her shoulder in the voiceover; and watch out for the offensively out of sync-sound in this youtube vid.
42. AT THE NME AWARDS, HE WAS REALLY DRUNK WITH ALBERT AND FAB
That’s the only way to be at the NME Awards.
41. HE’S SUCH A CUTEY (PART I)
From his official Twitter: “Couldn’t sleep-had my own mini Cannes film festival, watched 5 straight movies in bed last night…”
40. HE’S ARTFUL; INSPIRES ART
Long-Island aficionado Elizabeth Peyton (painter of legends, pop heroes, select British rock stars) painted our Jules.
39. FUCK YEAH, JULIAN CASABLANCAS
He has inspired one of the most dedicated ‘Fuck Yeah,’ Tumblr fanpages in existence (though the Daisy Lowe one is a close runner-up these days.) It is an exhaustive montage of quotes, press clippings, ADHD gif files for the obsessed (Observe: )
…such as these abound on this treasure trove of a blog. Julian has to be one of the most good-looking men you could ever hope to cut ‘n’ paste in a scrapbook.
I bet Julian has a scrapbook.
And love letters.
…And pictures of stray cats he wishes he could take home.
38. FUCK YEAH, JULIAN CASABLANCAS (Part II)
Actually, this Tumblr’s called Casablanksheet. “Sheet” is not meant here to be the vaguely-racist, pan-European way of saying an English profanity, but rather, is a lexical blend of his surname and the point of the blog: turning blank sheets of paper into pictures of Julian Casablancas.
So if you thought this was your calling in life, tough sheet, it’s taken. Taken gooood.
37. FUCK YEAH, JULIAN CASABLANCAS (Part III)
The writer of the Casablanksheet blog allows her hypergraphia to pervade other areas of her life:
“…today in math we were learning about the golden ratio so we had to bring in a picture of someone we found attractive to see if people with more golden ratios are more attractive. I brought in a huge picture of Julian and my math teacher called him hot :D”
36. HIS TWITTER IS IRRESISTABLY HONEST
None of that PR crap. He once tweeted about how airports make him consider eating Ben & Jerry’s for breakfast. http://twitpic.com/4adhp5
35. HE PROBABLY MAKES MARC JACOBS WEAK AT THE COUTURE KNEES
34. WITH JACKETS LIKE THIS
If you saw all of this jacket (right), your mind would surely be blown.
33. HE’S A ROCKSTAR YOU CAN TAKE HOME
Your Mum would TOTALLY love to meet Julian. She’d be so proud of you for pulling such a genuine musician and bona fide beaut – boy, has she has heard enough (and not always from you) of your antics around popular dance musicians, the aftershow moments you are still really secretly proud of, and the private-school-boy-turned-roadie you accidentally slept with, thinking he was on the cover of The Wire last month when actually this artfully bedraggled beardo was just a figment of Jack Daniels.
Bearing in mind that your mum isn’t a gun-totin’, moose-antler-wearing Twinkie addict, nor has a penchant for alternative cult movements and bad furniture, Julian is the man who’d be helping out with the dishes after taking him home to meet your maker.
Then again, mes amis, I would bet my life savings that Julian could handle even the most rednecked and forever lost souls of maternal units. All he would have to do…is gaze on. Nonchalantly.
32. HE GLOWS:
31. HE MUST’VE TURNED DOWN COURTNEY LOVE’S ‘SEXY’ ADVANCES AT SOME POINT
Hopefully she won’t sue me, as I have a soft spot for her and the beloved Hole; but the point is, you don’t go writing thinly-veiled songs about attempting to extract a non-existent mum-complex within the young Jules, before luring him into bed. Fuck the need for a muse, Love. Should o’ just lured him to bed. *facepalm*
30. NO COOL KID’S CHRISTMAS PLAYLIST WOULD BE COMPLETE WITHOUT HIM
I Wish it was Christmas Toda-ay.
29. HE GOES TO CHARITY SOFTBALL TOURNAMENTS
Say wha’? Yes. Cue: an obscure photo from 2008.
28. THE MYSTERY OF THE SUNGLASSES
How this guy manages to wear these on an almost-regular basis merely to complement, not even evoke his godlike status without attracting Bono comparisons, or suffer the hideous consequences of ever being aesthetically similar in any way to Bono, is an immortal feat. The shades impress me daily.
27. YOU’LL FIND HIM AT THE NEW ORLEANS JAZZ FESTIVAL
26. HE WAS A MALE MODEL
…Probably. His father John Casablancas founded Elite Model Management.
25. HE IS ANDROGYNOUS
Arguable point. From some angles (wahey), he is.
Anyway, if Julian ever met your Dad he’d tell him to Get a Fucking Haircut, Damn Hippie.
24. HE TRIED TO SAVE PETE DOHERTY
Well, he once told Pete that crack was retarded. You would hope this phrase was uttered whilst sunlight broke behind the window, basking Julian and all onlookers in the light and that the accent was a low, smoky New York grizzle.
“What are you doing that stuff for? That stuff’s really retarded.”
*hazy, omnipotent glow*
[Quote from The Guardian]
23. HE PROVIDED BACKING VOCALS FOR GINGER ELVIS
Know how the chorus for Sick Sick Sick by QOTSA is eerily melodic, in a sore-throat/harmonica kinda way, but you’ve always wondered why? Well IT’S ALL JULIAN.
22. HE COVERED BUDDY HOLLY’S ‘RAVE ON’.
21. HE HAS THE NICEST FANS
Who create lyrically inspired images such as this:
20. HE’S COOL. Full stop.
19. HE’S SUCH A CUTEY (Part II)
He replies on getting 6,001 blog followers.
18. HE’S SUCH A CUTEY (Part III)
Just look at him.
17. WHEN HE’S OFF DUTY, HE’S NOT WEARING A JACKET
16. THE WAY HE SINGS THE WORDS “Do”, “Silence” AND “Running” ON ‘4 CHORDS OF THE APOCALYPSE.’
15. BECAUSE THIS IS HIS LADYFRIEND
Wifey: Juliet (nee) Joslin. Former assistant manager of The Strokes. Yup. Take note, groupies. Anyway. You got no chance, cuz…
14. THIS IS HIS BABY!
On the road with Cal.
13. HE WANTS TO BE A VOICE OF A GENERATION
“’I want to be one of those people,’ says Julian, ‘be they writers, poets, musicians, who leaves clues for the next generation. Please paraphrase me if I sound like an asshole, but the really good people leave clues that help feed the human race. That’s my aspiration.” [The Observer, Decermber 2001]
12. HIPSTERS THINK HE’S OLD NEWS
Good. We’ll keep our icon safe and sound from their superficial fluctuations in music taste.
11. 11th DIMENSION – A.K.A. 11. HIS SYNTH SKILLS
From Phrazes for the Young. Before waking up, laughing and deciding it would be a really good idea to whip out the Casio and the Korg, I bet he dreamt of himself wearing silver, playing keytar.
And that is hot.
10. THE LOVE OF JULIAN IN NO WAY AFFECTS THE LOVE OF ALBERT AND FAB.
9. HE HAS THE CRAZIEST FANS WHO COLLECT CLIPS OF HIM LAUGHING
In a nice way. You would though, if your icon incarnate sounded like this: http://youtu.be/PIrLdiIZGyM
8. HE WENT TO POSH SCHOOL FOR A BIT, BUT DROPPED OUT
And apparently doesn’t have an insufferable coke habit because of it. He instead chose to develop his multi-instrumentalist talent.“’It was just this terrible, snobby, private school in Europe that my dad had been to,’ he recalls, laconically. ‘It was a total nightmare. What can I say?’” [The Observer, December 2001]
7. HE’S SUCH A CUTEY (PART IV)
Also from his Twitter:
“Colombia/Maryland/Baltimore/DCYou guys were the radest… Wow, thank you!!?!”
Why, why? Why are you puzzled at our delight, Julian, as you so display with your four punctuation marks squeezed in like so many bagel slices in an old toaster? *Sigh*
This is because Julian has, beyond the imaginations of any rock journalist or tour manager, his feet steadfastly on terra firma.
6. LE SMOKING
…I want to dirty my lungs. (Adam Green also makes me want to do this 😉 )
5. HE’S THIS COOL
Pink suit? Yes!
4. HE’S SO COOL THAT HE TRIED TO LOOK LIKE A MACAW
With his hair.
3. HE’S SO COOL, HE SANG WITH DANGERMOUSE AND SPARKLEHORSE
‘Little Girl’ is a sharp-as-coffee song that would never never never get played in a generic coffee shop. Cool. This is from one my fave CD-R albums ever. I didn’t need to buy it ‘cause everyone on Dark Night of the Soul has my money already.
2. HE’S SO COOL AND HE DOESN’T EVEN CARE IF YOU THINK HE ISN’T
1. HE’S SO COOL, THAT HE WILL TAKE THE PISS OUT OF HIS OWN COOLNESS.
This is what we aesthetes call the ‘Sublime’.
You gotta know your limits with a Boombox. This video is particularly graphic at the end, so if you are of a sensitive nature, do not watch it.