he is a douche millennial

THE BIG brained, grown-up and not necessarily ginger Dexters in their Harvard Medical School laboratories have completed a scientific survey, which shows that frustration in the workplace improves career prospects.

The Harvard research pack apparently did not die or get bored whilst spending 44 years following 824 people in the workplace. Team leader with a deceptively non-medieval name, Professor Vaillent, said of the results:

“Negative emotions are often crucial for survival. Careful experiments such as ours have documented that negative emotions narrow and focus attention so we can concentrate on the trees instead of the forest.”

Enlightening. However it should be noted that researchers did discover that biting colleagues/arbitrary acts of pyromania/coffee machine sabotage are not vocationally beneficial forms of rage against the corporate machine.

“We all feel anger,” said the Valiant one in what one imagines to be a sympathetic yet intellectual tone. “But individuals who learn how to express their anger while avoiding the explosive and self-destructive consequences of unbridled fury have achieved something incredibly powerful in terms of overall emotional growth and mental health.”

He's a cutey!
Stay calm and think of puppies.

So ,the more assertively angry you are (’cause passive-aggression doesn’t  achieve much), the more respect you get at work.

This correlation is similar to a situation that my friend’s dog Stitch, finds himself in daily when we go for walks. I have seen many a Doberman’s face become awry with defeat as he pisses up fences and lamposts with the force and duration that is totally unexpected of a middle-aged King Charles Cavalier.

Adding that desktop meditation is nonsense (or whatever it is the suited ‘n’ booted do to relieve Repetitive Brain Disorder), Prof Valiant said: “People think of anger as a terribly dangerous emotion and are encouraged to practise ‘positive thinking’, but we find that approach is self-defeating and ultimately a damaging denial of dreadful reality.”

Anger at Work is ‘Good For Career’? More like hmmm….Perfect. This means that up and down the country workers need not take fright but unite in anger and stick it to the man or woman in charge. Right? Nobody wants a damaging denial of the dreadful reality that contains:


Brent: Reassuringly fictional?
Brent: Reassuringly fictional?

The Pathetically Inept Boss

The classic Pathetically Inept Boss is like a dry cough: irritating, omnipresent, tricky to get rid of. It spends hours of its online time on Facebook and Outlook and is the first person to take an interest when there’s something non-professional to discuss. The PIB only keeps its job, bafflingly, by giving the impression that it works hard through a series of overly complex bulletin-type emails which could have their point expressed in fewer words. This leads to the correct impression of a boss who doesn’t know what it’s doing.

In similar vein to David Brent, a Pathetically Inept Boss will get seriously sprung at the opportunity to indulge in vanity and self-referential exercises. Long confused expressions and wrong priorities are at the top of this boss’s game.

The Toxic Boss

Watch your back – and your ass. The Toxic Boss is usually very good-looking. They are  wrapped up in themselves, but this self-absorption is disguised as them taking an interest in colleagues. Wiser members of the workforce realise that this is actually a poisonous obsession with popularity and how many junior workers TB can forseeably dispose of after shagging.

Unfortunately for their prey, the TBs are grotesquely charming in private despite public orations of verbal abuse and pointing out obvious sarcasm. This links to their messed-up mindset as they think remonstrating such ‘irony’ is the same as possessing intelligence.

Flippant, ingenious, annoyed by imperfections (although this is seen by the TB’s victim as a romantic, Byronic trait) and altogether nasty, the Toxic Boss should be resigned from ASAP.

The Flirtatious Boss

Similar to the Toxic, the Flirtatious Boss is significantly more delusional than the above and therefore statistically more likely to get involved in a sexual harassment case. Stay away.

The Big Boots Boss


Once a bully, always a bully – the Big Boots Boss has a problem with being fair when delegating jobs. They are not above snatching away potential opportunities which suit those they know are perfect candidates. An overriding jealousy motivates their every step and they are prone to compulsive and constant lying.

They cheat, hardly compromise, prefer to argue than to discuss and generally walk around like they’re as legendary as John Wayne. Yet as insufferable as they are, the Big Boots Boss is unpleasant because they know, deep down, they’re dangerously incompetent.

The Weirdo Boss

Weirdos in society are ameliorated because most people are weirdos; Weird Bosses on the other hand, are genuinely out of touch and self-conscious about everything they do. The WB’s personal opinion is informed by years of washing its brain with pages from the Daily Express (probably). Hence, its demeanour is patronising – it may not be aware of such but when they are, hell,  the Weirdo Boss will push it and point blank refuse to trust any suggestion you might make. Got an efficient idea? Well, WB won’t have any of that, it has to be the holistic plan that’s taken them at least a week in the making…

P.S. Sometimes, you’ll find that your boss crosses all five types. In which case, you need to find out who their boss is. Then tell the proper boss why you’d do a better job than the one currently in office.

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