It’s Your Free 2009 Horoscope from Culturegloss!

Culturegloss - Tech Newsletters

DESPITE THE ECONOMIC crisis and the credit crunch and the (please, just say it) recession keeping the skies fixedly grey for 2009, there are still plenty of reasons to feel at least a bit stoked about the year ahead.

i am oxen, hear me roar//getty

For example, Celebrity Big Brother returns to Channel 4 in the new year.

This means easy-pickings for all critics who hate the reality TV genre and for critical wannabes who have to fulfil slavering urges to take the absolute michael out of the UK Z-list.

In the Chinese zodiac, 2009 will be the year of the Ox.

Oxen are notoriously mule-like in their ability to tolerate a great deal of crap, however, if Niall Ferguson is right about this kind of thing*… the behavioural finance kind of thing, then whether China will be able to put up with a great deal of crap or not is yet to be realised. This ‘Chimerica’ malarkey he keeps banging on about could see mainstream media focus placed on the Asian markets again in 2009, particularly as at the end of this year China replaced Japan as the biggest holder of US Treasury debt.

Therefore it doesn’t take a crystal ball to realise the great relief for the whole world that hokey-cokey slackjaw George W Bush will officially get launched from that ejector seat next month in order to make way for the environmentally-friendlier (especially if he successfully quits smoking) Barack Obama.

Marine Corps Base in Kailua, Hawaii//getty

Obama’s inauguration will probably lead to nationwide partyting, an increased collation of his quotes on various websites for people to google just in case people feel human progress is stagnant, and, ooh, there was something else I needed to mention.

OH YEAH, the inevitable increase in the political credibility of the United States after January 20. Take a poll and the US will be the darling again. It’s a given, much in the same way ‘Brazillian Dieting Pills’ bought from online pharmacies are actually just prozac, or like, predicting that the recession will happen again in 2020.

So what does this mean for you, Aries /Taurus /Gemini /Cancer /Leo /Virgo /Libra /Scorpio /Sagittarius /Capricorn /Aquarius /Pisces?

It means that it is not worth elbowing grannies for a knockdown pair of mock-Victorian candlesticks you found in Debenhams, that’s what.

Elbowing grannies would also be a failed attempt in observing the Human Rights Act – a mistake to make in 2009 as Guantanamo Bay is set to close.

It won’t guarantee an end to people becoming incarcerated in their own country or becoming political refugees stripped of any rights abroad, but it does mean that the USA will have to face up to Bush’s legacy of the proliferation of secret jails and how far the CIA acts when protecting its country’s interests.

Another authority – British troops that is – are withdrawing from Iraq in 2009. New Statesman says that this is occurring:

“…after a deployment lasting longer than the Second World War. The end in sight is not a precipitous pull-out but a sense of how stability may return to the country.”

Wow, there’s no way on earth I could put it better myself, so I won’t.

Back to the oracle. Mmm, it predicts more gloom unfortunately. 2009 will see the housing market become even slower and sludgier. This does not mean it is acceptable to scab off your parents’ pensions, Generation X-ers.

Another warning from the skies is this: Beware ye all high street chains that begin with the letter ‘W’.

Never mind. There is another form of spiritual enlightenment which is the oracle known as Vogue Spring/Summer 2009 Trend Report.

(c) S/S 08, marc by marc jacobs
(c) S/S 08, marc by marc jacobs

Although I won’t be buying one, jumpsuits are back and they are a bit sexy this time round. The more resourceful of starsigns should not see this as an opportunity to stitch clothes together as a way of staying on trend. That’s you, Virgo, Sagittarius, Libra, Capricorn, Taurus. And strangely thematic with Guantanamo’s closure is Vuitton’s (and Lanvin’s, and Derek Lam’s) amelioration of the colour orange in your wardrobe.

Whilst this is good for making people back away from the tacky fake tan effect should they want to wear tangerine (the TFT effect people, yes, make it your acronym of 2009), it must still be worn with caution. People will think you exceptionally contentious to be “channelling your political-prisoner look.”

Your 2009 may not be filled with prosperity or re-employment. Yet there are silver linings: Obama, the lads pulling out of Iraq; jumpsuits and justice for grannies in Debenhams.

And so concludes your free horoscope.
Happy New Year!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: